SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK THE EPISODE LOG

Complied by
Greg van Eekhout
& Aaron J. Vanek

MULTIPLICATION ROCK

'Zero My Hero'
Music & Lyrics: Bob Dorough
Sung by: Bob Dorough
Animation: Phil Kimmelman & Associates
Comments: A hero-worshipping little boy details the immense significance of nothing and validatrs
the existence of losers everywhere.

'Naughty Number Nine'
Music & Lyrics: Bob Dorough
Sung by: Grady Tate
Animation: Phil Kimmelman & Associates
Comments: A fat, pool-playing cat beats the tar out of a cute little mouse while doing the nines.

"Figure Eight'
Music & Lyrics: Bob Dorough
Sung by: Blossom Dearie
Animation: Phil Kimmetman & Associates
Comments: Blossom Dearie's haunting vocals, combined with a Bach-like lugue and ice skating
imagery, make for a memorable and atmospheric number.

'Lucky Seven Sampson'
Music & Lyrics: Bob Dorough
Sung by: Bob Dorough
Animatlon: Phil Kimmelman & Associates
Comments: A happy-go-lucky rabbit skirts and skates around trouble while giving a group of kids
some advice on the sevens. Makes lawlessness look fun!

'I've Got Six'
Music & Lyrics: Bob Borough
Sung by: Grady Tate
Animation: Phil Kimmelman & Associates
Comments: A mishmash of sixes pop up throughout this funky, bass-driven tune.

'Five, Ready or Not, Here I Come"
Music & Lyrics: Bob Dorough
Sung by: Bob Dorough
Animation: Phil Kimmelman & Associates
Comments: Inspired by Bob Dorough's nieces and nephews, a freckle-faced hick rattles off an easy
way to remember the fives. Check out the Camp Yohe and Camp Newall T-shirts.

'Four-Legged Zoo"
Music & Lyrics: Bob Dorough
Sung by: Bob Dorough
Animation: Phil Kimmelman & Associates
Comments: A tour of the zoo to review the fours. The animators must have had fun figuring out
how to draw an ibex.

"Three Is a Magic Number"
Music & Lyrics: Bob Dorough
Sung by: Bob Dorough
Animation: Focus Design, Inc.
Comments: The lifting ballad that started it all off, this is by far the most mystical of all the
episodes check out the three on top of the world.

'Two Elementary, My Dear'
Music & Lyrics: Bob Dorough
Sung by: Bob Dorough
Animation: Focus Design, Inc.
Comments: Tapping into a Judeo-Christian vibe, a wizened old Noah reveals his method for main-
taining a smoothly operating ark.

"Three Is a Magic Number"

Three is a magic number
Yes it is, it's a magic number
Somewhere in the ancient mystic trinity
You get three
That's a magic number
The past and the present and the future
Faith and hope and charity
The heart and the brain and the body
Give you three
That's a magic number
It takes three legs to make a tripod or to make a table stand.
It takes three wheels to make a vehicle called a tricycle
Every triangle has three corners
Every triangle has three sides
No more no less, you don't have to guess
When it's three, you can see, it's a magic number
A man and a woman had a little baby, yes they did
They had three in the family
That's a magic number
Three, six, nine, twelve, fifteen, eighteen, twenty-one, twenty-four, twenty-seven, thirty
Three, six, nine, twelve, fifteen, eighteen, twenty-one, twenty-four, twenty-seven, thirty
Multiply backwards from three times ten
Three times ten is thirty, three times nine is twenty-seven, three times eight is twenty-four, three
times seven is twenty-one, three times six is eighteen, three times five is fifteen, three times
four is twelve, and three times three is nine, and three times two is six, and three times one is three
of course
Now dig the pattern once more
Three, six, nine, twelve, fifteen, eighteen, twenty-one, twenty-four, twenty-seven, thirty
Now multiply from ten backwards
Three times ten is thirty, three times nine is twenty-seven, three times eight is twenty-four, three
times seven is twenty-one, three times six is eighteen, three times five is fifteen, three times four is
twelve, and three times three is nine, and three times two is six, and three times one
What is it?
Three, yeah, that's a magic number
A man and a woman had a little baby, yes they did
They had three in the family
That's a magic number

GRAMMAR ROCK
"A Noun Is a Person, Place or Thing"
Music & Lyrics: Lynn Ahrens
Sung by: Lynn Ahrens
Animation: Phil Kimmelman & Associates
Comments: Girl gets chased by gun-toting bandits, snowed upon at the Statue of Liberty and dances
the twist in a malt shop, pointing at persons, places and things along the way. Features a white
Chubby Checker,

"Verb: That's What's Happening"
Music & Lyrics: Bob Dorough
Sung by: Zachary Sanders
Animation: Phil Kimmelman & Associates
Comments: Verb, a hyperkinetic superhero, crams a lifetime of action into a three-minute cartoon.

'Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Adverbs Here"
Music & Lyrics: Bob Dorough
Sung by: Bob Dorough
Animation: Phil Kimmelman & Associates
Comments: Three generations of guys named Lolly star in a commercial for Lolly's Inc., a shop
dealing in the adverb trade. The kid Lolly sounds like the Chipmunks’ Theodore.

'Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla"
Music: Bob Dorough
Lyrics: Kathy Mandry
Sung by: Jack Sheldon
Animation: Kim & Gifford Productions
Comments: Alberl Andreas Armadillo and the Sarsaparilla siblings cavort through a jungle in which
they find and tall in love with wild animals. Only through the use of pronouns can they keep their
complex, interspecies relationships straight.

"Unpack Your Adjectives"
Music & Lyrics: George B. Newall
Sung by: Blossom Dearie
Animation: Phil Kimmelman & Associates
Comments: A girl and her turtle (voice provided by Bob Borough) use adjectives to describe their
miserable camping trip. Features the famous scene in which the giant girl stomps on a tiny boy,
plus a pretty cool "big, ugly, bear."

"Conjunction Junction"
Music & Lyrics: Bob Dorough
Sung by: Jack Sheldon
Animation: Phil Kimmelman & Associates
Comments: Everybody knows this one. Train engineer Conjunction Junction hooks up endless lines
of boxcars and makes 'em run right. Swingin' tune.

"Interjections"
Music & Lyrics: Lynn Ahrens
Sung by: Essra Mohawk
Animation: Phil Kimmelman & Associates
Comments: Ensemble cast shouts out interiections in response to various indignities. Features the
'Darn! That's the end!' girl.

"Conjunction Junction"
Conjunction Junction, what's your function?
Hookin'up words and phrases and clauses
Conjunction Junction, how's that function?
I've got three favorite cars that get the most of my job done.
Conjunction Junction, what's their function?
I got And, But and Or
They'll get you pretty far

And! That's an additive, like this and that
But! That's sort of the apposite, not this but that
Aund then there's Or, O-R
When you have a choice like this or that
And, But and Or get you pretty far

Conjunction Junction, what's your function?
Hookin' up two boxcars and makin' 'em run right
Milk and honey, bread and buffer, peas and rice (Hey, that's nice)
Dirty but happy
Diggin' and scratchin'
Losing your shoe and a button or two
He's poor but honest, sad but true, boo-hoohoo-hoo-hoo

Conjunction Junction, what's your function?
Hookin'up two boxcars to one when you say somethin' like this choice
Either now or later, or no choice
Neither now nor ever (Hey, that's clever)
Eat this or that, grow thin or fat
Never mind, I wouldn't do that, I'm fat enough now

Conjunction Junction, what's your function?
Hookin' up phrases and clauses that balance like-
Out of the frying pan and into the frier
He cut loose the sandbags, but the balloon wouldn't go any higher
Let's go up to the mountains or down to the sea
You should always say thank-you, or at least say please

Conjunction Junction, what's your function?
Hookin' up words and phrases and clauses and complex sentences like-
'In the mornings, when I'm usually wide awake, I love to take a walk through the gardens and down
by the lake, where I often see a duck and a drake, and I wonder as I walk by, just what they'd say if
they could speak
Although I know that's an absurd thought."

Conjunction Junction, what's your function?
Hookin' up cars and makin’ ’em function
Conjunction Junction, how's that function?
I like tyin' up words and phrases and clauses

Conjunction Junction, watch that function
I'm gonna get you there, if you're very careful
Conjunction Junction, what's your function?
I'm gonna get you there, if you're very careful
Conjunction Junction, what's your function?
I'm gonna get you there if you're very careful

AMERICA ROCK

[Note:The animation on this series was provided by Phil Kimmelman & Associates and Kim &
Gifford Productions. We'd like to be more specific than that, but Scholastic Rock, Inc., the pro-
duction company, lost its archives some time in the early '80s and couldn't tell us any more than
this.]

"No More Kings"
Music & Lyrics: Lynn Ahrens
Sung by: Lynn Ahrens
Comments: The Colonies' emancipation from British rule. George III vaguely resembles a Blue
Meanie.

"The Shot Heard 'Round the World"
Music & Lyrics: Bob Dorough
Sung by: Bob Dorough
Comments: Celebrates Colonial military prowess in the Revolutionary War. Rebel forces represent-
ed by a Weeble that wobbles but doesn't fall down.

"Preamble"
Music & Lyrics: Lynn Ahrens
Sung by: Lynn Ahrens
Comments: History of the Constitution, including a recitation of the Preamble hummed in thousands
of American History classes during pop quizzes. Candidates' names in the voting booth scene
include executive producer Tom Yohe, producers Rad Stone and George B. Newall, and
singer/composer Lynn Ahrens.

"Fireworks"
Music and Lyrics: Lynn Ahrens
Sung by: Grady Tate
Comments: Dixieland swing celebrating the Declaration of Independence. Features memorable
scene of man chasing woman in the pursuit of happiness.

"I'm Just a Bill'
Music & Lyrics: Dave Frishberg

Sung by: Jack Sheldon
Comments: "Bill," a scroll of paper with aspirations of becoming a law, succinctly explains the
complex legislative process. Frequently requested by government agencies, it's perhaps the most
memorable America Rock segment.

"Elbow Room"
Music & Lyrics: Lynn Ahrens
Sung by: Sue Manchester
Comments: Graphic depiction of westward expansion. Predicts lunar colony. Bob Dorough
provides Thomas Jefferson's voice.

"Mother Necessity'
Music & Lyrics: Bob Dorough
Sung by: Bob Borough, Blossom Dearie, Essra Mohawk and Jack Sheldon
Comments: Medley of profiles covering America's great inventors, including Eli Whitney, Marconi
and Thomas Edison, who says, "WOWwee"' The multiple singers, working on different coasts,
presented logistical difficulties.

"Sufferin' Till Suffrage"
Music: Bob Dorough
Lyrics: Tom Yohe
Sung by: Essra Mohawk
Comments: A caped superheroine dances and sings about the 19th Amendment and women's
suffrage against the backdrop of historic photos from the early part of the century.

"The Great Melting Pot"
Music & Lyrics: Lynn Ahrens
Sung by: Lori Lieberman
Comments: Sepia-tone recollection of turn-of-the-century immigration explosion. The factory
smokestack, adorned with Tom Yohe's name, was used in a Rockettes show at Radio City Music
Hall. Given today's political climate, maybe this one should be mandatory viewing.

"I'm Just a Bill"

Boy: Whoo, you sure gotta climb a lot of steps to
get to this Capitol Building here in Washington.
But I wonder who that sad little scrap of paper is?
I'm just a bill
Yes I'm only a bill
And I'm siffin'here on Capitol Hill
Well, Its a long, long journey
To the capitol city
It's a long, long wait
While I'm sittin' in committee
But I know I'll be a law some day
At least I hope and pray that I will
But today I am still just a bill

Boy: Gee, Bill, you certainly have a lot of patience and courage,
Bill: Well, I got this far. When I started I wasn’t even a bill, I was just an idea. Some folks back
home decided they wanted a law passed, so they called their local Congressman, and he said, 'You're
right, there oughts be a law." Then he sat down and wrote me out and introduced me to Congress.
And I became a bill, and I'll remain a bill until they decide to make me a law.

I'm just a bill
Yes I'm only a bill
And I got as far as Gapitol Hill
Well, now I'm stuck in committee and I'll sit here and wait
While a few key Congressmen
Discuss and debate
Whether they should let me be a law
How I hope and pray that they will
But today I am still just a bill

Boy: Listen to all those Congressmen arguing! Is all that discussion and debate about you?
Bill: Yeah. I'm one of the lucky ones. Most bills never even get this far. I hope they decide to
report on me favorably, otherwise I may die.
Boy: Die?
Bill: Yeah, die in committee. Ooh, but it looks like I'm gonna live! Now I go to the House of
Representatives, and they vote on me.
Boy: If they vote yes, what happens?
Bill: Then I go to the Senate and the whole thing starts all over again.
Boy: Oh no!
Bill: Oh yes!

I'm just a bill
Yes, i'm only a bill
And if they vote for me on Capitol Hill Well, then I'm off to the White House Where 1 wait In a line
With a lot of other bills
For the President to sign
And it he signs me, then I'll be a law

But today I am still just a bill
How I hope and pray that he will
Boy: You mean even it the whole Congress says you should be a law, the president can still say no?
Bill: Yes, that's called a veto. If the president vetoes me, I have to go back to Congress and they
vote on me again, and by that time you're so old...
Boy: By that time it's very unlikely that you'll become a law. It's not easy to become a law, is it?
Bill: No, but how I hope and pray that I will. But today I am still just a bill
Congressman: He signed you, Bill! Now you're a law! Bill: Oh yes!!!

SCIENCE ROCK

'Body Machine"
Music & Lyrics: Lynn Ahrons
Sung by: Jack Sheldon, Bob Dorough Animation, Phil Kimmelman & Associates
Comments: A lesson on the basic mechanics of human physiology, plus a lesson on good nutrition.
We wonder how few kids gave up Apple Jacks after seeing this one.

"Them Not-So-Dry Bones'
Music & Lyrics: George Newall
Sung by: Jack Sheldon
Animation: Kim & Gffford Productions
Comments: A barbershop quartet lays bare the human infrastructure for all to see. Another easy
lesson for struggling med students.

"Telegraph Line"
Music & Lyrics: Lynn Ahrens
Sung by: Jaimie Aff and Christine Lananer
Animation: Kim & Gifford Productions
Comments: Explanation of the human nervo s system sung by a Peanuts-like telegram delluvery boy
who should spend more time on the Fnotocross circuit. One of the more upbeat songs-no wonder
you hear the surgeon humming it before you succumb to the anesthesiam

"Circulation"
Music & Lyrics: Lynn Ahrens
Sung by: Mary Sue Berry, Joshie Armstead and Maeretha Stewart
Animation: Phil Kimmelman & Associates
Comments: A choir of women sing about the joys of a good aerobics workout. You gotta wonder
how much of this Richard Simmons stole.

"Victim of Gravity"
Music & Lyrics: Lynn Ahrens
Sung by: The Tokens
Animation: Kim & Gifford Productions
Comments: A Fonzie wannabe doo-wops about the invisible force that locks us to this mudball.
Clearly inspired by the ever-popular Sha Na Na.

"Weather"
Music & Lyrics: Lynn Ahrens
Sung by: Bob Kaliban
Animation: Gerry Ray
Comments: A vaudeville-type show that explores tropospheric dynamics.

“Energy"
Music & Lyrics: George Newall
Sung by: Jack Sheldon
Animation: Kim & Gifford Productions
Comments: A mournful globe sings the blues over pollution and depletion of our natural resources.
Another classic Jack Sheldon vocal performance. Look for the homage to songwriter George
Newall in the Newall Coal Company.

"Electricity"
Music & Lyrics: Bob Dorough
Sung by: Zachary Sanders
Animation: Kim & Gifford Productions Comments: A strobing look at one of the best things since
sliced bread. Wickedly encourages the youth of America to torment one another with static
electricity.

"Interplanet Janet"
Music & Lyrics: Lynn Ahrens
Sung by: Lynn Ahrens
Animation: Kim & Gifford Productions
Comments: A girl with a rocket engine grafted to her butt tours the cosmos. Check out the Cameo
by Mrs. Jones’ dog (from "Nouns"), who bites a man for no apparent reason.

"Body Machine"

When you look down the street, what do you see?
The street is overflowin' with a lot of machines Now I don't mean the buses, the trucks or cars I'm
talkin' about the people
Yeah, you know who they are
I'm a machine, you're a machine
everybody that you know
You know they are machines
To keep your engine runnin',
You need energy ior your
High-powered, revved-up
Body machine
Your high-powered, revved-up body machine Now, I'd be a fool if I said that the fuel that we
needed to burn was gasoline
'Cause the fuel we use is the stuff called food And it puts out the power for our machine
You make a stop at the fillin' station
Fill 'er up, One chicken sandwich to go!
As you start to chew, your body does it
All systems go
Now, that sandwich contains some very important kinds of food energy for your body
Chicken gives you protein; bread, carbohydrates;
mayonnaise, fat; and the lettuce has vitamins, plus cellulose or roughage

Together these things help keep your body machine running smoothly
First the saliva, kinda like a driver
"Move to the rear, of the mouth!"
But what it's doin along with the chewin' Is takin’ food and breakin' R down.
Down t the stomach, the food is pushed, the
esophagus does its stuff and the stomach starts Its got those moving parts, as the body machine
churns up
Gastric juices operate on proteins, fats and Garbohydrates in the stomach
They do what they do
They take out the nutrition and use it for you When the cellulose, in those leaves you know,
Will control the traffic flow
Helps the food to move along so the good stays In and the bad gets gone
I'm a machine, you're a machine
Everybody that you know
You know they are machines
To keep your engine runnin',
You need energy for your high-powered, revvedup body machine
Your high-powered, revved-up body machine Then the small intestine does most-of your digestin',
by sending all the nutrients in through the villi, which look a little silli [SILL-EYE] but act as little
vents
The blood stream passes, the nutrients it catches and takes them to the cells
You see, you use what it delivers, as it stores some in the liver for future energy
I'm a machine, you're a machine
Everybody that you know,
You know they are machines.
To keep your engine runnin',
You need energy for your high-powered, revved-up
Body machine
Your high-powered, revved-up body machine
Your high-powered, revved-up body machine
Your high-powered, revved-up body machine
High-powered, revved-up, complicated tune-up, fascinating body machine

Take care of that machine-you got such a great model there, honey
Give it the right fuel
High protein, low calorie
Take it out for a spin every day!

Scooter Computer & Mr. Chips

[Note: The information here is sketchy. Without their records, Scholastic Rock, Inc. doesn't
remember a lot of the details of who did what. All we know about this series is that most of them
were written by Lynn Ahrens and that they were animated by Phil Kimmelman & Associates and
Kim & Gifford Productions. Even the individual segment titles are unofficial.]

"Introduction to computers"
Comments: Dorky kid on skateboard sings about all this swell things his family's new computer can
do.

'Computer Language"
Comments: The fundamentals of bits and bytes. Misleads kids into thinking they need to know
BASIC to play Tetris.

'Hardware and Software'
Comments: A look into Mr. Chips’ guts. Mentions diodes and capacitors, but doesn't bother with
such trivial stuff as disk drives and RAM chips.

'Nmber Cruncher'
Comments: Lesson on data processing. Like the other Scooter segments, clearly written in a time
when most people's experience with computers didn't go far beyond watching the 'Spock's Brain"
episode of Star Trek on TV.

"Number Cruncher"

Baseball's supposed to be fun
Can't wait to hit a home run
But they got me playing the wrong position
Since they made me the statistician
I'm in numbers up to my ears
This is gonna take me years and years and years and years and years

Mr. Chips: Numbers? Scooter, did you say numbers?
Scooter: Yes, numbers, Mr. Chips. Batting averages, earned run averages, team standings! I could
probably figure this stuff out, but I'll miss batting practice!
Mr. Chips: Feed me those numbers, I'll do the work.
Scooter: You mean....?
Mr. Chips: Preciselyl Sit down, Scooter. You're in for a treat! Numbers, you see, are just my beat!

'Cause I'm a number cruncher
A mathematical muncher
I can round numbers off
I can square them
I can line numbers up and compare them
I can change them around
Rearrange them around
I can deal with them any way you choose

I'm not a math professor
I am a data processor
I can mix numbers up and combine them
I ran take them apart and align them
I can shake numbers up
I can break numbers up
I can turn them into something you can use
If you can punch them
I can crunch them
'Cause I'm a number cruncher

Scooter: Mr. Chips, you're amazingl
Mr. Chips: Elementary, Scooter, a piece of cake. Just feed me the numbers, and I'll process them
for you.
Scooter: In other words, I punch them.
Mr. Chips: Precisely! And I crunch them!

I process numbers as quick as a flash
For whatever results you need
I process numbers into measuring tools
To measure sound, and time and speed
I process numbers to find just how fast
A rocket can get to Mars
l project the future and read all the past
And I can show you a map of the stars

Scooter: Wow!

I process numbers into curves and lines

Display them on a graph or a chart
I process numbers into colors or shapes To make a digital work of art
A work of art

I’m not a math professor
I am a data processor
I can mix numbers up and combine them
I can take them apart and align them
I can shake numbers up
I can break numbers up
I can turn them into something you can use

Scooter. My baseball statistics
Mr. Chips: A piece of cake But remember, first you have to punch them.
Scooter: I know! Then you ran crunch them. 'Cause you're a number cruncher!
Mr. Chips: Precisely!