50 Ways To Know That You're Stuck In The 80's:
Written by: Paul Vecchione
- You've named your twin sons "Inky" and "Blinky".
- You go to Wal-Mart to buy some new leg-warmers.
- You search all over town for a 45 of that new "Flock of
- You have to go see a chiropractor after injuring your
neck trying out some new Breakdancing moves.
- You call the MTV offices to find out what shift Nina
Blackwood is working now.
- Nobody laughs when you go into Wendy's and ask,
"Where's the beef"?
- You get mad when you go into a video arcade and can't
find the "Asteroids" machine.
- The fact that you can "get" three sides on the Rubiks
Cube no longer impresses your friends.
- You can watch the "We Are the World" video and name
- You just can't get Windows95 to work right on your
- You think Toni Basil looks so cute in that cheerleaders
- You think that Corey Hart looks so cute in his
- You know deep down in your heart that Axel Foley would
never pick up a transvestite prostitute.
- You finally figure out how Macgyver made a bomb out of
a box of uncooked lasagna and motor oil.
- You stay home on Saturday nights hoping to see "The
Love Boat" and "Fantasy Island". (The episode of Love
Boat with Charo in it is your favorite.)
- You think Michael Jackson is heterosexual.
- You call your local mall to find out if Tiffany will be
having a concert there anytime soon.
- Your friends are tired of seeing you put a flowerpot on
your head and yelling, "Whip it, whip it good"!
- You still cry at the end of, "E.T.".
- You wonder if the "material girl" really is a virgin.
- You're still disappointed that Geraldo didn't find a
dead body in Al Capones vault.
- You think George Michael is heterosexual.
- Every time you drive by a Tastee Freeze, you look for
Diane sittin on Jacks lap with his hand between her
- A child asks you about the facts of life and you
reply, "Well, you take the good, you take the bad, you
take 'em both and there you have the facts of life".
- You can't believe that Tootie is growing breasts!!
- Your boss tells you to get a move on, and you snidely
reply, "Kiss my grits"!
- You have a weird sexual fantasy about Alanis Morrisette
pouring green slime on your head.
- You were able to get your MOPED up to 40 MPH today!
- You can't find any new cartridges for your Atari.
- You go to Pep-Boys trying to find a Flux-Capacitor for
your new DeLorean.
- Whenever you paint, you think to yourself, "Wax on, wax
off, wax on, wax off".
- You think that the word "come" in the song "Relax" is a
synonym for "proceed".
- You sometimes have a hard time sleeping because you're
worried that Mr. Roper will find out that Jack isn't
REALLY gay and kick him out of the apartment.
- Nobody is impressed when you show them how well you can
- One day, in a staff meeting, you turn to your boss with
a quizzical look on your face and say," Whatcha talkin
- Whenever you hear, "Flashdance", you must put a chair
in the middle of the room, beat it, and have someone
dump water on you. Your co-workers are getting tired
- You still have the birth certificate for your first
Cabbage Patch Doll.
- You can't figure out why nobody else sees the true
talent of the "New Kids on the Block".
- You've been trying to follow Skip Stephensons career
since the end of "Real People" without much luck.
- Whenever faced with a tough decision, you ask yourself,
"What would Ferris do in this situation"
- You still don't realize that Tic-Tac-Toe is a winless
- You want hair just like Goose.
- You use the phrase, "gag me with a spoon", at least
three times per day.
- You keep hoping that Twisted Sister will make a
- You think the Pet Shop Boys are heterosexual.
- You write a letter to the Gap asking them why they
no longer sell parachute pants, because you really need
a new pair.
- You buy a Swatch.
- You go to Subway and try to order a vegemite sandwich.
- Your co-workers know to hide the fruit when you start
walking around the building saying, "wakka-wakka-wakka"
- You spend 3 hours on a Saturday night writing this
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